Tell jokes that are not sexually explicit and offensive.

A baby seal walks into a bar. " What will it be stranger?" asks the bartender. "Anything but Canadian Club!" says the seal

Well now, there you go, you found the place. It will not be the same though. It was better in the playing section.

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That is ridiculous. It should nott take that long!!""Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion! "The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop and glanced around, somewhat confused." Thank you God for the meal I am about to receive...

A well dressed middle aged man sits alone in a train compartment. A youngish man sits down opposite and wants to start a conversation so he asks the man what time it might be. The gentleman does not answer. He repeats the question but is again met with stony silence, When they arrive at the destination the gentleman says to the young man: " You look fit and strong and I am a bit weak, would you carry my suitcase to the tram station. The young man does so. When the arrive at the tram the young man says: "When I asked you what time it is you never answered and now you wanted me to carry your suitcase, why?" And the man says: " If I would have answered you we would have started a chat. I would have to ask you where do you travel. I have seen your ticket and knew you travel to my city. So I would have to ask you if you have a place you stay. I assume you don't have, so I would have to invite you to stay with us. My wife is an excellent cook but I would not have minded to invite you to dine with us. But I also have a beautiful young daughter and you look like a presentable young man. You may fall in love with her and ask her in marriage. And honestly, I can't afford a son in law who can't afford his own watch".

@harleyman: You are right it is not the same here. Chat is more spontaneous and has heavier traffic. But maybe it is better here. Hopefully others will find the spot also.

@zaphod, pretty funny. Yes, @dogsitter mentioned going to the Joke Forum. There has been 46 visits, but you and I are the only ones who has posted.

Harleyman, I think the punchline of your jChristian bear oke didn't enter. That is my fave old joke.. and I know what it is but others might be confused. Then again maybe I remembered it incorrectly as I AM a blonde lol.

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies "Do you see that tower?" Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I did not."

I liked your bat joke. I chuckled out loud on that one.

Zaphods 1st joke was funnyyyyyyyyy! We need a button to say funny, etc. on here. And Harleyman, the bat joke was funny too!

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they will pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This is not so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He is terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we will BOTH lose our jobs!"

A butcher is selling partridge sausages. A customer asks how he gets so many partridges to make so many sausages. The butcher admits that in order to get the bulk he mixes in some horse meat. The customer asks: "What proportion of horse meat do you use?". The butcher answers: " 50/50. 1 partridge 1 horse"

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool." So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why not start with the name of the jerk that pushed me in?"

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you do not stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you have been doing."

Very impressive @harleyman. I give you this: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb: Only one provided the lightbulb WANTS to be changed. Somebody may wish to continue with other light bulb jokes and then there are the knock-knock jokes

Thanks, and knock-knock jokes sound interesting.

To start of and maybe others will join: Knock Knock! WHO IS THERE? Oink, oink! OINK OINK WHO? Make up your mind, are you a pig or an owl!