@harleyman keep them coming you make me laugh everyday xx

A new trend: A car is stopped at a check point. The officer approaches the driver and says: "You just won $ 500 as you are the 500th car we check today. You have however to tell me what you will do with the money you just won." The driver responds: "Now that I have money I shall buy me a drivers' licence." His wife says however: " Don't pay any attention to him, he always says stupid things when he had too much to drink". the mother in law in the back adds to it: " I told him officer, we will not get too far in this stolen car."

Oh @zaphod, you are a funny man

@Wotters, thanks, I thought it was going okay where the players play, but others thought different.

There is a new drink on the market. It is called Hurry Mary, composed of Vodka and Prune Juice

I know the feeling, sometimes...

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells. The 94-year-old hollers back, "I do not know, I will come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I will come up and help both of you as soon as I see who is at the door." :

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!

I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you cannot go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I have also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They do not have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I am not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I have been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I am in Capable, and I go there more often as I am getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Envincible but life shows me I am not!

This is funny @harleyman. You might remember MAD printing years ago a political speech, talking about an opponent full of this type of double entendre. if you don't remember I'll post here the Google link

I found it. MAD 139 Dec 1970. Click on Google on: Non-Slanderous Political Smear Speech

Thanks @zaphod, I did read it and it was interesting.

I agree it is funny but your philosophical and psychological remarks on Chat are a credit to your devotion to "teach".

What a thoughtful and meaningful thing to say @zaphod, I wish others felt the same as you.

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of its most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning. When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her. The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed a file for Michael. When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed. But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from the funeral of her husband. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I have Arrived Date: 16 May 2003. I know you arre surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Thank you! I have a great collection of jokes, but this si one of the funniest. It looks like the new technologies gives us the opportunity to develop "new" jokes. As you might know the saying is there are no new jokes only short memories.

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they are grumpily eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jewish man to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after a lot of pressure and much arguing, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jewish man to a priest who sprinkles holy water on him and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic.The Catholics are ecstatic. No more tempting smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue spread through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the house of the Jew to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the grille cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, now a fish!"