An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping off too!" The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox and sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps off the building. The Mexican opens his lunch box and sees burritos and jumps off too. The redneck opens his lunchbox and sees bologna so he jumps to his death. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping and says, "If I had known he was tired of corned beef and cabbage I would have never given it to him again!". The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish as the main course. While the guests were eating the appetizer, the cook came to the host and whispered "Please come urgently to the kitchen." The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while she was serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish which they were going to serve. The host said, "Just fill the hole with stuffing and turn the other side up, nobody will notice." The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again called to the kitchen. The cook said, "The cat is dead!" The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something was wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped out at the hospital." When they came back everything was still fine and the host went to ask the cook, "Where is the cat?" "Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the truck ran it down!"

A waitress is explaining to a guest in the restaurant that the specialty of the day is calf tongue in beautiful port wine sauce. The guest shakes his head and says, "I don't want anything that comes from an animal's mouth, just give me some eggs."

A visiting sheik from the Middle East is at a party in Washington. The food makes him thirsty and he sends his private aid to collect water several times. He demands water for the third time but the aid comes back without water. The sheik demands to know why. The aid explained, "other guest is sitting on waterhole in bathroom."

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Enough for one day?

Instructions for Microsofts New TV Dinner Product: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yumgohot#cookme. If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this does not work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really do not want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2014. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

This is a new classic joke although only a new take of a similar diatribe for a other product.

Too many waterholes, dead cats, microsoft microwaves, a cudgitty old man, and St Peter all rolled into one, although very funny stuff !!

Did you change your avatar as you could not tell what is worn under the kilt?

An opinion without 3.142 is just an onion. Clever, eh?

What is the difference between girls / women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78? At 8: You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! At 78: What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

Now, that last one takes the pie !!

Yes, I changed my avartar because I was not wearing any...

OK you two, the pi joke, the women ages 8, 28, all of them actually, etc, are too funny!!! By the way, Zaphod, I am 58 and my husband is very happy with me ; ) ! Just thought I would drop by after several months and my husband is howling with laughter at your wonderful jokes! I send you my warm thoughts...

OK, now I know why I avoid this thread... I have read out-loud to my husband at least the last 4 pages and he is laughing so hard he may need CPR! It is too addictive! You two are wonderful guys!

My dear Harpist from Alaska. I am so glad to have herad from you and also that Richard enjoys our jokes. Thank you for posting. As I seemingly bombed out in my previous incarnation I have joined James to attempt to make SC even MORE enjoyable. Happy Thanksgiving to you and Richard. How is the Art going? Did you acquire the new property for retirement? @zaphod

Right on Rachel, glad you and your husband enjoyed...

Yep, it is that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it is important to keep mentally alert. If you dont use it, you lose it! Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take this test to determine if you are losing it or not. The spaces below are so you dont see the answers until you have made your answer. (Unfortunately this location did not allow to put in the needed space between the question and the answer. Dont look at the answer before you made YOUR answerr!!!!) OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. #1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: bread. If you said toast just give up now and go do something else. And, try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question #2. # 2. Say silk five times. Now spell silk. What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said milk, dont attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Womens Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say water proceed to Question #3. # 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said green bricks why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!!! But, if you said glass; go on to Question #4. # 4. Do not use a calculator for this: You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia. In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus. In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Windsor, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Bristol, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. And, in Camden, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Philadelphia Station. Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!!! Don;t you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!!!

Son of a gun @zaphod, you did get it posted here, I tried on the chat board and it did not work...good for you