Why do gorillas have big noses? Because they have big fingers.

What do you call lice on a bald mans head? Homeless.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.

A farmer is in the middle of plowing his field when his tractor runs out of gas. He needs to get back to the farm, but it is too far for him and his dog, Old Joe, to walk. He wanders out to the road and flags down a sports car. The driver says, "I will give you a ride, but that dog can not get in my car." The farmer says, "Do not worry. Old Joe will keep up." The driver decides to show off and open up the engine for max speed. Just as he is going into fifth gear, he looks out the window and sees Old Joe right beside him. In amazement, he slams on the brakes and Old Joe comes to a halt. The driver jumps out, exclaiming, "He is the most incredible dog I have ever seen! Is there something special about that collar he is wearing?" The farmer shakes his head and says, "That is not a collar. That is his a**hole. He is not used to stopping that fast."

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I am trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

The farmers son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmers soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans." "You do not understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?" With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?" "Naw! I have lived here all my life," answered the farmer. "Are you prepared for the resurrection?", the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmers attention and he asked, "When is it gonna be?" Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, do not mention it to my wife. She does not get out much and she will wanna go all three days."

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "Thats once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "Thats twice." After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer did not say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do." The farmer said, "Thats once."

What do you call an unemployed goat? Billy Idol.

What do you call a goat at sea? Billy Ocean.

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place: First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her." They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave my wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

A bear and a squirrel were walking through the forest when the stumbled on a magic frog who said he would grant them both three wishes. The bear goes first. "I wish all the bears in the forest besides me were female" said the bear. "Then I'd get laid all the time." "It is so." Said the frog, and all the bears in the forest besides him were female. The squirrel goes next. "I wish for a motorcycle." He said. "It is so." replied the frog, and a motorcycles appeared. The bear went next with his second wish. "I wish all the bears in all the neighboring forests were female." "It is so" said the frog. Then the squirrel. "I wish for a helmet." The frog waved his hand and a helmet appeared for the squirrel. Then the bear had his last wish. "Okay, why not?" He says. "I wish all the bears in the world, besides me were female." "It is so." Said the frog, and he made it happen. He turned to the squirrel and asked "What is your third and final wish?" The squirrel shouted "I wish the bear was gay!" and he hopped on his motorcycle and drove off.

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lenas acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Thank you James you are unbeatable. Once I am back though I shall try to trump you with a few jokes I heard in hospital

A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smiths behavior. Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, Tetanus, measles, flu! Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that? Oh, just ignore him, the head nurse said. He thinks he calls all the shots around here.

Hi? Is this the mental hospital? Yes, it is. Can I speak to Mr. Scott in room ten? One moment and Ill connect you . Im sorry, Mr. Scott in not answering. Good. That means I must have really escaped.

Visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible. What are you doing? he asked. Looking for loopholes, was the lawyers reply.

A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there was not much left.

A man goes to the hospital for its brain scan. According to the results: In his left brain no one is right And in his right brain nothing is left

How did the pig get to the hospital? In a hambulance.