A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened. He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..." "But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked. "How do you think I called you people?"

Ladystanding in the middle of a busy street) Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital? Officer: Just stand where you are!!!

A young woman gazed up from her hospital bed at the very handsome doctor who was examining her chart. She fluttered her eyelids and said, They tell me that your are a real lady killer. The doctor smiled and shook his head. No, I make no distinction between the sexes.

Welcome back @zaphod !! Funny ones again...

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he did not remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back. I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until it gave out," said the man. "And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still cannot get the lid off the jar."

With the success of Viagra, many new performance drugs for men go into development: --PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. --COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82% of middle-aged men noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. --BUYAGRA: Married men report a sudden urge to buy their wives gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: whether the results extend to not minding when women spend money on themselves. --ANTI-AGRA: Promises the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on U.S. Senators. --NOSPORTAGRA: This drug makes men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. --FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases into air freshener. --FLYAGRA: This drug shows great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). --LIAGRA: This drug helps men lie more successfully when asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Political Strength versions.

Two children were in a doctors waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy. "I am here for a blood test, and they are going to cut my finger," said the girl. When he heard this, the little boy started to cry. "Why are you crying?" asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I am here for a urine test."

Why wouldnt the butterfly go to the dance? It was a moth ball

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You are beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You are cute." Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?" He replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I dont see why not," replies the doctor. "That is funny," says the man. "I was not able to play it before."

A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000. The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things: 1 screw $ 1 Knowing how to put it in $4999 $5000 total The businessman never argued

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You are really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful;." The Doctor said, "I did not say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Youg woman will do for you every time !

Last week when I was in the hospital I was also told that I have a heart murmur. Should I follow the doctors advice or follow what I BELIEVE I heard?

There was this nervous patient whose imagination afflicts them with all kinds of ills which never materialize. one afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forward. He was bent forward. he tottered to a chair, and still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it. "Mary," he gasped, "it's come at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head." When the doctor had arrived and looked over the patient, the wife inquired, "Is there any hope?" "Well," the doctor said, "it will help a good deal if he will unhitch the third buttonhole of his vest from the top button of his trousers."

Two little kids lined up for surgery are lying in stretchers outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid tries to reassure the other and says, "Oh! don't worry. It's very simple. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream." The second kid, feeling a little better, then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you." The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me." The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear them, but now they smell horrible!" The Doctor again nods his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is. The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."