Dentist to Patient: (begging) " Would you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?" Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock football game.
An elderly man complains to his wife about feeling a little worse for wear and after a lot of persuasion agrees to go and see a doctor. The doctor checks him out and asks the man to return a few days later for the results. The doctor turns to the patient and says, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is that you have terminal cancer, polio and have tested HIV+. But the good news is you also have Alzheimers disease so in about 10 seconds you'll have completely forgotten about it." "Ooh good" said the patient. "What was the bad news then?"
Mr. Smith died of cardiac infarction while he was in the hospital. The doctor told Mrs. Smith, " I am sorry to tell you that your husband died of massive cardiac infarct.". Few minutes later he heard Mrs. Smith calling her son and telling him on the phone," The doctor said that your father died of massive internal fart."
What a stinky way to go !! 
I keep telling you we would be good as a straight and funny guy on the stage. Your responses are classic! Did you notice? The Forum has by now an audience of nearly SIXTEEN THOUSAND! How much longer can we keep up thye pace?
Well ole friend, we will be known as the pacesetters of solitairecraving.com !!
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You have already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I cannot find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it is due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I will come back when you are sober"
A patient goes to a psychiatrist for the first time and is given some tests. The psychiatrist draws a circle and says, "What does this make you think of?" "Sex." The psychiatrist draws a tree and repeats his question. "Sex," the patient answers again. The psychiatrist proceeds to draw simple figures of all sorts... a house, a car, an apple, and so on... each time getting the same response. Sex, sex, and sex. Finally the psychiatrist says, "You have an obsession with sex." The patient says, "Me? You are the one who is drawing all those dirty pictures!"
A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding. "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he would get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I am marrying a lawyer and I am sure I am going to get screwed."
A young woman went to consult a psychiatrist. On entering the examination room she was asked to lie down on the couch. The young women replied immediately. "No, thanks doctor, that is exactly how my problems began."
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he is in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I would be higher and have a better view."
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patients room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Cant you see I am sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He is my friend, but he is a little crazy. He thinks he is a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2s face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he is your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?
I was ready to quit, but your jokes are good and stimulaets me to look up my lists for a few oldies but still good jokes. Also: wshing you a happy Thanksgiving. You are a true friend, friend..
Happy Thanksgiving to you @zaphod, my dear friend...
What does your avatar wear under the kilt?
This site now had over 16000 visitors and the number grows visibly. Obviously the site has it afficionados, I could also say it is popular and yet very few commnest and even les other contributors. Makes one wonder.
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?" A: "You can't tuna fi
Q: What do you call a fat psychic? A: A four chin teller.
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