A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell me where i am?" The man below says "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this filed". "You must work in technical support," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless." The man below says: "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

An Ukrainian immigrant in USA went to the Motor Vehicles Registry (Department of Motor Vehicles ) to apply for a driver's license. He had to take an eye test.The clerk shows him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z "Can you read this?" the clerk asks. "Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know this guy."

Culture and meaning A while ago, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa most didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe most didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe most didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China most didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East most didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America most didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA most didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

A dinner conversation that went wrong.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)." HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - - silence - - - HUSBAND: "Sh..t."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge!

Best Lawyer Story Maybe the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued ... and WON! (Stay with me here.) In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. Only in America! No wonder the Third World countries think that the Americans are nuts

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said:How would you like it if you didn;t see me for two or three days?; He replied: That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he did not see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

One of the highest-rated jokes in Germany: ;Why is television called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well done.;

Another which had the Germans in stitches: It involved a lengthy description of how to tell the weather by placing your dog outside the back door and examining the state of its fur. It ends: Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, the Cat.

Rare stuff @zaphod, especially the last one ~~ Sincerely, the Cat.

Thank you James. Now I wish it would be as easy to solve solitaire as making jokes. Jokes come to me naturally. At solitaire I have to use my brain (s litle as it is left after 85 years of using it!)

Real funny @zaphod, you have more brain power to remember the jokes and you will get better at solitaire the more you experiment with different moves. That is what has helped me, thinking out of the box...

Thank you James. Yesterday I posted some jokes from Germany. Here is one from Italy: "Vinny Calabrese, right off the boat from Italy, was excited about being accepted at Harvard University. On his first day on campus, he was walking around looking for the library. He saw an upperclassman standing by a tree, walked up to him and said, "Hey paisano, coulda you tella me where is a da library at?" The upperclassman said, "Here at Harvard we never end sentences with a preposition. Would you like to rephrase that question?" "OK, fora you, no problem, Paisano," said the Italian. "Tella me, do you know where is a da library at, you a asshole?"

A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier... Shocked, the cashier asks..What is this for?; The Rastafarian replies.;Me here to open a joint account

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?" And the store owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!" The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

This is gross but funny. Caution recommended for people with quizy stomachs! Well, this is the story and it goes something like this: " Ya see, there was this trucker,and he was on a run on day,and stopped into this diner for a bite to eat. Well, he sits down at the counter, and the waitress comes over hands him a menu and a glass of water, and says "What;ll ya have?" Well, the trucker says," Ya got any chili?" The waitress says, "No, I just sold my last bowl to the guy sitting next to you." So, the trucker looks over at the guy next to him, and notices that he looks like he is mostly finished with his meal cept for the bowl of chili sitting there on the counter. So, the trucker asks the guy, "Hey, are you gonna eat that?" To which the man replied, "Naw, you go right ahead." So, the trucker starts eating the chili, which tasted mighty good to him. Well, he got about halfway through with it, and sees a dead mouse laying at the bottom of the bowl. UP COMES THE CHILI!!!! Right back into the bowl!! The guy next to him says," Yep, tha is about as far as I got with it too!"

A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in the morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was telling her, Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want to take my saddle off of him!

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the world. "Adam", he said, "you can start by kissing Eve". "What