A physician, an engineer and a judge were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine." The judge smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"

The morning after a senior judge passed away unexpectedly, the court house receptionist answered the phone. "Is Madame Justice Smith there?" the caller asked. "I am very sorry, but Justice Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Is Madam Justice Smith there?" repeated the caller. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you did not understand me I am afraid Justice Smith passed away last night." "Is Madam Justice Smith there?" asked the caller again. "Madam, do you understand what I am saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Justice Smith is dead." "I understand you perfectly," the caller sighed. "I just cannot hear it often enough."

Merry Christmas from the Supreme Court Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he did not see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he did not see anything, the second day he did not see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street. Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes. Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?" Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irvings engagement - it is time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?" "Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I will look it up and call you." So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."

An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he is approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment. Shocked, the Rabbi does so. The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged, pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus company.] The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Rabbi. When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and says, "You can come in now." The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone. The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says, "I am not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I have been a good Rabbi. I have worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?" The angel says, "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed."

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Receptionist: Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you. Patient: Which doctor? Receptionist: Oh, no, he is fully qualified.

Student doctor: "Please sir, there is some writing on this patients foot." Famous surgeon: "Ah, yes! That is a footnote."

Patient: "Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?" Doctor: "What about a cardboard box?"

"Doctor, doctor! I am terribly worried. I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep." "Have you seen a psychiatrist?" "No - only pink striped crocodiles."

I have been drilling and drilling and as there is still no oil flowing I shall stop boring

Thanks Donna...

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the mans face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you dont have the hiccups anymore, do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Let me put what I said above differently: I consider myself a horse and dont wish to be an ass.

Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security does not appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

The only 2 states to have legal Marijuana are Colorado and Washington. The 2 best NFL teams are Seattle and Denver. Coincidence? I think not!

What do a Pakistani wife and husband have in common? Nothing. It was an arranged marriage.

Why dont you slip into something more comfortable......may I suggest a coma.

I'll sleep on that....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz