You Might be a Redneck If: You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

I suddenly rememberd this joke I heard many years ago in Vienna. You know there are many churces and many bells ringing on Sunday mornings and that genearted this joke: Ii is a funny joke: "On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent

That is all for today folks!

A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!" The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

Time is a great healer but a poor beautician

I would not say that to a woman !

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

How do you keep people from stealing your bagels? Put lox on them.

A magic tractor drives down the road and turns into a field.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one looks over to the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey

Cute, real cute @zaphod...

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator

What do yuppie alligators like to drink? Jaw-va.

What do you call an alligator that makes others fight? An Instigator.

A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two alligators in it. I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool. So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the alligators are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be, the millionaire asks? The guy grabs the microphone and says, why dont we start with the name of the guy that pushed me in!

The duty officer on a British frigate based in Malta was in his cabin during a rest period, playing the violin. A new padre, Padre Burns, arrived on the boat a few days previously. The officers violin practice was interrupted by a knock and a petty office entered and asked, "Is the padre around, sir?" "No, he's away for the day, gone on a tour of the island." After a moment's hesitation, the PO said, "Oh, I see, sir, you fiddle while Burns roams."

A white horse wanders into a bar and the barman says, "Good heavens, we have a scotch named after you"; the Horse says, "What, Colin?"

An accountant/banker, on a drive to his folks for thanksgiving, got lost on a rural Wyoming road. He sees a local and stops. "Does this road go to Laramie?" "I dunno" "Is there a place near here with phone reception so I can make a call?" "I dunno" "well how about a nearby drugstore or town - can you tell me how far away one might be?" "nope" "You don't know much do you?" "Nope - but I aint lost".