Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident. The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches." "What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer. "Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

Thanks for the new jokes guys. I don't tell jokes, I just appreciate them! Well, you need an audience , don't you?

@veronicarose: Mighty pleased to oblige.

I second that !!

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, Praise the lord. This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, there is no Lord. One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, praise the Lord, who gave me this food. The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed it was not the Lord, it was me. The lady without missing a beat screamed, praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!

Dog Poker A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!" The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Asian Casino "My husband is going to a casino in central Asia. "Tibet?" "Of course, why else would he go!"

Slots A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I do not care. Just so long as you are out of the house by noon."

How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.

How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.

What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.

Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he is in a bad mewd.

Petty Theft Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with Property of Central High School emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint Stolen from Central High School. But the jerseys still kept disappearing. The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to Central High School 4th String. Sports and Poetry The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husbands co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help. I have to read a play by Shakespeare, he said. Which one? she asked. He scanned the shelves and answered, William. Praying for Overtime My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. You know, he said to our grandson, Nick, it is not easy getting old. I am in the fourth quarter now. Do not worry, Grandpa, Nick said cheerily. Maybe you will go into overtime. Calling the Coach. As a high school football coach, I am aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob was not at home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away. Just calm down, and I will have him call you as soon as he gets home, the coachs wife told him. What is your number? The flustered kid replied, Three. Football Makes Sense. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. Oh, I really liked it, she replied, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just could not understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents. Dumbfounded, her date asked, What do you mean? Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, get the quarter back! Get the quarter back! I am like, Hello-o-o? It is only 25 cents!

Q: Why do you never hear the number 288 on television? A: It is two gross.

You know that during the Great Flood, Noah brought along two of every species for reproductive purposes. Well, after a few weeks on the ark, all the couples were getting along fine, except for these two snakes. Day and night, Noah worried that this was going to mean the end of this species. Finally when the flood ended and the ark hit ground, the two snakes darted out of the ship and headed to the nearest picnic table where they started to "go at it". It was then that Noah realized that... Adders can't multiply without their log tables.

A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question: The mathematician was first."How much is 500 plus 500 ?" , they asked"1000" he replied without hesitation."Thank you", they dismissed him. Next the statistician."How much is 500 plus 500?""On the average, 1000 with 95 % confidence" replied the statistician"Thank you", they dismissed him. Next the accountant."How much is 500 plus 500?""What would you like it to be?" responded the accountant.They hired the accountant.

Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?" Student: " Ten Q"Teacher: "You're Welcome."

A physicist and engineer and a mathematician were sleeping in a hotel room when a fire broke out in one corner of the room. Only the engineer woke up he saw the fire, grabbed a bucket of water and threw it on the fire and the fire went out, then he filled up the bucket again and threw that bucketfull on the ashes as a safety factor, and he went back to sleep. A little later, another fire broke out in a different corner of the room and only the physicist woke up. He went over measured the intensity of the fire, saw what material was burning and went over and carefully measured out exactly 2/3 of a bucket of water and poured it on, putting out the fire perfectly; the physicist went back to sleep. A little later another fire broke out in a different corner of the room. Only the mathematician woke up. He went over looked at the fire, he saw that there was a bucket and he noticed that it had no holes in it; he turned on the faucet and saw that there was water available. He, thus, concluded that there was a solution to the fire problem and he went back to sleep.