This Halloween, the only Candy I am interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.

What was the mummies vacation like? Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.

Hello James: It is good that at lest the two of us, and @Veronicarose and possibly Donna and KoH can still laugh. The rolling of eyes is very funny. Thank you with no raspberry!)

Yes @zaphod, it is good that a few of us can appreciate and laugh, I still post jokes on the chat too ! )

No idea why this is here...

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China." The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next.

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told. Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked Where is Bills clock? St. Peter replied, Jesus has it in his office... he is using it as a ceiling fan.

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you not know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Are you not going to run?" "Nope, sure aint," said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why are you not afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A very pious and wealthy lady dies and goes to heaven, an angel meets her and conducts her to her heavenly home. As they walk through the avenues of Heaven, they pass huge mansions; looking like English stately homes, she asks the angel "Is this where I amm going to live?" The angel replies "No". They walk on further and the houses dont look as grand; they are now single storey and sprawling, like a nice middle-class suburb. The lady recognises a few people. "Is this where I am to live?" "No." replies the angel. They walk on further and the heavenly suburbs are deteriorating to tenement-type apartments; folk are still blissfully happy because they are in Heaven, but the accommodation is not the mansions the lady was expecting. "Surely you don't expect me to live here?" asks the lady. "No", replied the angel. After more miles the pair eventually come to a slum; folk are blissfully happy because they are in Heaven, but now the houses are corrugated-iron humpys; three sheets of tin making two walls and a roof. "I cannot possibly be expected to live here!!" exclaims the recently deceased lady. The angel turns to her with a sad look in his eyes. "My dear lady, you deserved to come to Heaven, but you sent us so little work with....."

Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks. Their names were In and Out. Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in. One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, "Out, go out and bring In in, please. I'm worried about him." Out said, "Sure thing, Mama." So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time. The mother skunk was amazed. "Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?" she asked. "Oh, Mama, it was easy," Out said. "In stinked!"

The Spuds had three daughters, all of whom went away to college. There they met and dated several diffeent peole. All three became engaged at the same tiem, and went home to tell their parents. The oldest daugheter said, "Mom, Dad, I have some good news. I'm getting married!" The parents asked, "So who is the lucky feelow?" "His name is Daniel Russet," the daughter said, with a hint of pride in her voice. "Wonderful!" The proud parents excliamed. "The Russets are a distinguuished line of potatoes!" The middle daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have good news, too. I'm also engaged to be married." "And who are you going to marry, dear?" "His name is Benjamin Idaho," the daughter replied. "Oh, the Idahos are a fine old potato family," Mom and Dad Spud said. "We're so happy for both of you!" The youngest daughter's turn came. She said, "Mom, Dad, you won't believe this. I'm engaged, too!" "And who is your lucky fellow?" the parents woanted to know. His name is Tom Brokow," was the reply. At this the parentss looked at their youngest daugher with a disapproving stare. "But, honey," they gasped. "That won't do at all! Why, he's just . . . a common tater!"

A string walked into a bar, hopped on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." Disappointed, the string hopped down from the stool and went to the next bar. He hopped on the barstool and said, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." The string continued down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hopped on the barstool and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender at every bar in turn said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Finally he got to the last bar in the area. He was tired, he was sweaty, all he wanted was a beer. He trudged inside, climbed on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." This bartender, too, said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." Tired and angry, the string walked outside to think. He was a hard-working string. He deserved a beer. Finally, he came up with an idea. He had a passerby tie him up into a bow and frazzle his ends. Then he went back into the bar, and climbed up on the barstool. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" he said loudly. The bartender looked him over critically, and finally yelled, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string replied coolly, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

A royal castle was under siege from an infidel army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all of the horses had been killed in the battle. "We must get help," said the king. "I know," replied the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once." "Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man." "No, no," pleaded the army leader. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

MANAGED CARE - Is this how it will be? Three social workers were sitting in the waiting room outside the pearly gates when St. Peter called the first one up to the desk. "So, what have you done to deserve to come in here, my dear?" asked the old gatekeeper. "Well, I was a psychiatric social worker at the local hospital. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and helped to save many lives, " she said. "Come right in, then, and make yourself at home for all eternity," St. Peter told her. When asked what she had done to deserve to walk the streets of gold, the second social worker replied, "Well, I was a social worker at the local mental health clinic during my lifetime. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and helped the team save many lives." "Come right in, then, and make yourself at home for all eternity," replied St. Peter. "Now, tell me what you have done to deserve to sing with the angels," he asked of the third social worker. "Well, I worked for an insurance company during my lifetime. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and I helped to save the company a lot of money," she beamed. St. Peter looked puzzled for a moment, but then said, "Come right in and enjoy the wonders of heaven. But don't get too comfortable . . . you can only stay for three days!"

Handful of good ones @zaphod...

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I do not exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boys name? Because I do not know him, but his face rings a bell."

DISARMING THE GUARD Lem: I got fired from my job as a bank guard. Clem: That is awful. What happened? Lem: Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I would let him have it. Clem: What did the thief do then? Lem: He took one more step so I let him have it. I did not want that stupid gun anyhow!

Thank you James and @Zaphod. I am still enjoying your jokes and giggling at them, although i think that the bear was converted to Christianity earlier on this thread!