A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car will not start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it is raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there is a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he would do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the bus"

H - "Hello?" W - "Honey, its me. Are you at the club?" H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. Its absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" H - "Whats the price?" W - "Only $1,500.00." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." H-"What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $60,000..." H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." H - "What?" W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. Its on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property." H - "How much are they asking?" W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I will see you later!! I love you!!!" H - "Bye...I love u too..." The man hangs up, closes the phones flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Thank you James. This is hillarious. May I use it?

Also I do not know as yet how I did it, but I am alop at 132 also.

Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but its sad that law allows only one wife.

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I cannot lie to you. I have been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and did not wake up until eight o clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You have been playing golf!"

It has been over a week and no one has written anything...guess it is too boring anymore...oh well,it was fun while it lasted.

Hello James: Greetings from Vienna. May be once I return I shall post again.

Have fun and a safe return, see ya when you return...

Back in Canada again. This was the most harrowing trip we ever took. We encountered so many problems that we could do nothing to make the trip more pleasant. On top of all I came down with a type of whooping cough and I am not too well. I tried quickly to do today;s game but I could only do 1 run through and go back to bed. Hopefully in a day or two I shall improve and be back in the game. I did not pick up any new jokes in Vienna except a few plays on words and such are difficult to translate

Glad to have you back friend, sorry to hear of your ills, you will get better, if and when you are up to it, I will catch you up on the games...

@zaphod, Sorry to hear of your problems on the trip. Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you for encouragement. I shall probably need a few more days. To illustrate how I feel, here is a story. A guy was driving long distance the whole night and by early morning decides that he needs a bit of shut eye. He stops at the next city and pulls to the side and leans back to sleep. He did not realize that he stopped on a favorite route for joggers. After a few minutes a jogger raps on his window asking if he has the time. He looks at his dashboard clock and says that it is 7:20 and leans back to sleep only to be woken a few minutes later by an other jogger asking for the time. After the third jogger wakes him, he puts a note on his dash board: "I don't know what time it is!". He starts to sleep again until an other jogger raps on his window saying: "It is 7:45!"

A VW beetle got engine trouble and has to pull off the road.A ferrari stops to help.They decide to tow the VW to the next town. The ferrari hit the bottom and the VW start blowing the horn for him the slow down. passing a station the worker saw them passing the ferry in front and the Vw blowing the horn next. He took the phone and call a friend at the next station. Telling him to look at a fantastic race A ferrari in front but a VW blowing the horn to pass the ferrari.

Funny joke @Litoaegle...

We had to deal with some legal problems in Vienna and the proposed language reminded me to look up an old light bulb joke about lawyers. Here it is: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle", the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb". This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

Legal mumbo jumbo @zaphod, legal-ezz is not my forte, nontheless, a funny joke herewith...