There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Lets go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?" Forty-nine hands went up. "Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"

Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I have known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you have been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I have known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He is lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you will be jailed for contempt!"

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer : Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer : Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer : Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer : You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Do we get a star for putting up jokes so quickly?

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I am going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughters wedding... He will be in a good mood when he gets back." "Dont count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I am the groom."

Good ones @zaphod Yes, we should get stars for our jokes !!

During a visit to a psychiatric hospital a visitor asked the Director what are the criteria that defines that a patient is to be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "after we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub" Would you use the spoon? The teacup? The bucket? "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." Noooooo," answered the Director, looking at the visitor with new interest. * Scroll down * * * * * * * * * " A normal person would pull the drain plug".

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning." "Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man." "Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. "No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

Wot, no more jokes!! I'm no good at remembering them myself, but I enjoy reading them. I'd better go back to the beginning and start reading them again a few at a time - maybe I'll remember some punch lines now.

@veronicarose. Hope that you are enjopying your trip to Piemonte. Will you stay in Torino? Thank you also for your post asking for more jokes. Somehow I was a bit dry last week but here is a new one: Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. He sees on the side table a single rose and a note from his wife: " Dearest, breakfast is ready. I went shopping to make your favourite dinner for to night. I love you!" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure there is a nice breakfast. "What happened last night?" he asks his son. "You came home soused and got that black eye by tripping over a chair." " So why the rose, breakfast and sweet note from your mother?" " Oh that, Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your clothes off, you screamed, "Leave me alone . I am married!"

And to top it: A thief is caught by the manager of a Jewellery store in Vienna as he tries to steal a necklace. "Listen" says the thief " you dont want any trouble and I dont need more trouble. What do you say, if I just buy the necklace and we forget that all this happened?". The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. "You know," says the crook, "this is more than I wanted to spend. Got anything less expensive?"

A bare naked woman jumps into a cab in front of a hotel, gives an address to the driver and sits back. The cabbie looks at her but does not start driving. "What do you stare at," says the lady, " have you never seen a naked woman before?" "It is not that," says the driver, " I keep looking and wonder where do you keep the money to pay me?"

Thank you Zaphod. I enjoyed the jokes. Enjoy your trip to Austria. It is not me going to Italy. I'm not sure who mentioned it recently.

@veronicarose, my mistake it was @leelamaria. I got confused with the double names. My apologies lol

Zaphod - that's fine. Call me Ann instead - it's easier to write and remember! I mentioned that my name is Ann to Robin, James and Susan at the end of yesterday's game when we were chatting. You are very welcome to use it, as is anyone who reads this.

Thank you Ann. Shall do. As a compensation here is an other joke: Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

I don't know, Zaphod. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

A "wise man" might have true and good answers, but a "wise guy" mostly provides demeaning type of answers. James who is wise but at times labelled as a "wise guy" might have a better definition

Not as good as most of yours. I wouldn't agree with that definition of "wise guy" for James (or you), but then, not being American, it's not a term I would use, although I'm very familiar with it from TV. To me, "wise guys" make off-the-cuff humorous remarks, not necessarily demeaning ones. I think you are both both "wise guys" and "wise men" in my definitions of the words.

((((((((Thank you very much Ann))))))). You are right. Although James is much younger than I, he has also earned his stripes. Probably we both like to make fun of our foibles and that allows us to make wisecracks, mostly by thumbing our noses at ourselves, and even if stepping on toes, not always considered to be out of line. (NOW! HOW IS THIS FOR MIXED METAPHORS?) lol