Such a funny guy you are @zaphod...

Is this one any better? Q: What did the waiter say to the horse? A: I can't take your order. That's not my stable. Or this? Q: How can a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay three days,and ride out on Friday? A: Because he is riding on Friday!

You are bad !!

You are right James, I am bad, but I try to remain original!

What is the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Pick a cod, any cod!

What is stucco? What happens when you step in bubblegummo.

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

James what does the tongue out mean? Here is another good beer joke for you: What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer

Now here is a classic joke for you guys: Two frat boys were stranded at sea in a life boat. On the 4th day, a mermaid came up out of the water and offered them one wish to save their lives. The frat boys thought about it and one shouted out,"I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And it happened. A little while later the other one shouted,"Great, now we have to pee in the boat!"

And another one even better: A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I would take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I would take it and throw it into the river." And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I would take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: Shall We Gather At the River."

Right on ! Hey, I sent you an email...

Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I will have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servining breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I will have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We do not serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that is what I had in here yesterday..."

This is a good one. Here is one to top it. A gentleman experiences lousy service at a posh restaurant and leaves a very generous tip. Next time he eats there, he receives meticulous attention and excellent service and leaves a one penny tip. The waiter remarks on it and he answers: "The tip last time was for todays service!"

How true...

DANGLING PARTICIPLES CAN BE DANGEROUS. An Old Blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his Apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Dont ask me a lot of questions," He told the boy. "Just Do whatever I tell you to do." One day, the Old Blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new Blacksmith....

This story was told about Pope Benedict. "After his luggage was stowed, (and as it is told he did not always travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I would really like to drive today." "I am sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I would lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I shall lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he has stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he is really big," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: " The Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "The President?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it is God!" The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? " Cop: " No Sir." Chief : " Then what makes you think it is God?" Cop: "He has got the Pope as a chauffeur."

That one is worth a thousand laughs...the tongue sticking out is ; blowing a raspberry...

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?" The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!