Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandma slaps Grandpa. "That is for 50 years of the worst sex I have ever had." They are both silent for ten minutes. Then Grandpa slaps Grandma. "That is for knowing the difference."

@harleyman, these are hysterical, my husband will be laughing himself sick when he gets home tonight! I think the reason it was brought up earlier in this forum questioning if you should be using this thread to tell jokes and talk is that last year I got yelled at for having a thread about Alaska and talking mostly to a guy who got kicked/banned (Kenright) from this site and Denise. We got told to exchange emails and get off the thread. I still don't get it cuz you guys are basically doing the same thing and it is OK. Thank God the SC site hasn't turned into a Police State yet! Keep up the great jokes!!

Well Rachel, @zaphod and I are waiting for the hammer to drop. I heard the story of you and the other guy and I thought it was bogus. @PatLogan100 is the one that more or less said to email or go to a forum. It is strange that they allow talking about health and death but no jokes?? Go figure....

A man asks his doctor about his insomnia. The doctor tells him: " If you want to cure your insomnia you have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you!" " I know", says the man, " I understand,but I cant do that, my wife refuses to sleep alone!"

Your hairline is so far back, I thought you went bald in 3rd grade!

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?" One of them says to the barkeep, "I will bet you a pitcher of you finest beer that I can lick my eye." The barkeep says, "I have had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I will take that bet." So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket. The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me." He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar. When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?" The same guy answers, "I will bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear." The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the left ear of the guy, then his right ear, and says, "There is no way you have got an artificial ear. I will take that bet." The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth. The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me again." He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar. A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, "I will bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away." The barkeep says, "It will be worth $100 to see that so I bet you cannot do it." He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back. The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor. The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100 so I am smiling, you just lost $100, why are you smiling?" The drunk says, you see they guy over there I have been drinking with all this time? I just bet him $1, 000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you would wipe it up with a smile on your face.

Thank you @harleyman. You know that I also have a joke collection, but this was a new one to me and I laughed and laughed and laughed. THANK YOU!!!

Glad you enjoyed. I somehow screwed up Skype and until I get it fixed,email is our only way of communicating.

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." GO AHEAD! At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Rachel, It is so nice to see you posting on here. I have missed you! And, Harleyman and Zaphod, there should not be any reason why you can't tell clean jokes on the forum. After all, there is a really long thread on books people like to read. Keep up the funny jokes. I am still laughing!

I play golf in the low seventies! Oh, that is really impressive!. Yeah, and when it gets colder than that, I quit playing!

Four business men were discussing golf. Three of them were continually bragging about their game and scores. The fourth did not say anything until they prodded him and then he said: "Actually I am not a golfer. I only went out once in my life and I shot a 67" Just as the others were about to compliment him, he continued: " When I found out that this was a great score, I got so excited and I never went to the second hole!"

Six retired Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when one loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, they look around and ask, "So, whos gonna tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Bill picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, and to be gentle, so as not to make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet?, say Bill, I am the most discreet person youll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." So Bill goes over to the fellows condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Bill declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I shall go and tell him." says Bill.

Those were funny jokes @zaphod.

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I do not find it in time, I will concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole. Now the real "what if" in this story...... What if you had your opponents ball in your pocket?

Thanks @dphifer. I hope we can!!

This is a funny anecdote. I tend to remember there was once a time when 'what if'' jokes were very popular. Thank you James for bringing back a memory

Anything for a friend @zaphod.

It hurts on the back swing, it hurts when I bend I am stiff as a board when the flag I attend. So I went to the Doc with a list a mile long He said not to worry, I was one of a throng. My case was not special, my symptoms not rare As he poked and he probed, all my secrets laid bare. There are hundreds of cases of arthritis he stated And the type that I have, is much over rated. So he seemed to lose interest in my case right away And he waddled and staggered as he wandered away. His nurse said he had choked on the very first tee He had swallowed on a divot, she confided to me. Now, how in the world was this old golfer treated? All these expensive drugs will just be excreted. But in pain I continue, though my affliction is plain I notice it most when I am out in the rain. My golf swing is spastic when I try to swing loose My shoulders don't seem to catch my caboose. There must be alternatives to turning so stiff But with THAT considered, I feel just terriff! I'm feeling less pain as I gawk at each girl If they are clairvoyant, their hair will uncurl. While out on the course and a cute babe walks by I suck in my gut and try to look spry. So, arthritis or not, in my heart I am a stud But the babes that I ogle, they see Elmer Fudd. The pain is subsiding as I stare at each peach But with a sore back, they are all out of reach.

To up the above: I was courting the new blonde in town. It was fast and furious. I was fast and she was furious!!!