@zaphod, loved the Pope joke!!

guys, went back and read your other jokes... OH MAN!!! You should get a gig in Las Vegas! My husband was laughing his head off as I read them to him!

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?" The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivining down the road, minding our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullining up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was almost dead, so he shot them. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, How you feeling?" "I said, I never felt better in my life."

Thank you Rachel. I was in hopes others would come to this forum so that they might laugh.

1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine dog . . . but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 3. If you do not have a sense of humor . . . you probably do not have any sense at all. 4. Seat belts are not as confining . . . as wheelchairs . 5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is . . . when you are in deep water. 6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark . . to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? 7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. 8. Why is it that at class reunions . . . you feel younger than everyone else looks? 9. Scratch a cat (or dog) . . . and you will have a permanent job. 10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy (or girl) . . . who wants to buy a car . 11. There are no new sins . . . the old ones just get more publicity. 12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. . . like, it could be the right number. 13. No one ever says "It is only a game" . . . when their team is winning. 14. I have reached the age where . . . happy hour is a nap. 15. Be careful about reading the fine print . . . there is no way you are going to like it. 16. The trouble with bucket seats is that . . . not everybody has the same size bucket. 17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years . . . we will have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? 18. Money cannot buy happiness . . . but somehow it is more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo . 19. After 60, if you do not wake up aching in every joint . . . you are probably dead. 20. Always be yourself because the people that matter do not mind . . . and the ones that mind do not matter. 21. Life is not tied with a bow . . . but it is still a gift.

Time is never wasted when you are wasted all the time.

Abstainer a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

A woman drove me to drink and I did not even have the decency to thank her.

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. His reply -- Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Mystery game to be sure. Can finish a couple different ways but not the moves!!

@harleyman, you are the KING of jokes!! Are you in Oregon? Ever been to Alaska?

@harleyman, you are the KING of jokes!! Are you in Oregon? Ever been to Alaska?

Yes I am in Oregon and no I have not been to Alaska. Thanks for the compliment.

How do you know when it is going to be a good day at work? When you see the picture of you boss on the side of the milk carton.

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager? I have $500 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club." Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. The newest pro at the club spoke up, "I will take you up on that wager. Meet you on the first tee." When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee, the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box and put a driver in his hands. The gorilla smashed his drive right down the middle and out of sight. The ball finally stopped on the green, six inches from the cup. The pro was astonished. "That is incredible! There is no need for me to tee off. Here is your money." As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, "By the way, how does he putt?" The trainer responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards, right down the middle, every time."

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I am going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath". The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best. "My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands." "My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands." "I have you both beat. My dad is so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I will go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I will be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I will be Bach."