What are the two main political parties in Canada? Moose and Squirrel.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye." The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."

I shall be more busy for a few weeks. I shall only spend a limited time on SC. Also only you and a few others seem to post here.

That is OK @zaphod, I have given up hope that very many will post here.

A man talks to his psychiatrist: " I had this weird dream" says he, " My mother appeared in the dream but then I noticed that she had your face. I became so upset about it that I could not go back to sleep. I was tossing and turning and finally I got up at 7 AM. I made myself a breakfast of coffee and 1 slice of toast and immediately came to see you. Can you explain this to me?" The psychiatrist remains silent for a while and then he says: " A coffee and one slice of toast, and you call it a breakfast ?"

Ah, that was cute

Jack and Jill got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Jill immediately telephoned her mother Mary. "Well," said Mary, "how was the honeymoon,darling?" "Oh mum," Jill replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..." Then she started to cry. "Oh mum, as soon as we got back, Jack started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into your car now and come and take me home." "Calm down, darling," said Mary, "tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used." "Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah. "But honey, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were." Still crying, Jill replies, "Oh mum, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."

Cyril was driving down Hendon Road when he gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Cyril's car, the policeman says, "I've come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles back." Cyril replies, "Thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Oh my, @zaphod, that was chauvinistic, shame on you (ha-ha). Wash, Cook, Iron, and Dust.

Someone saw a blonde eating a Tootsie Roll Pop and asked her, "So, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll - Tootsie Pop?" Without a thought, the blonde replied, "Beats me, but it took almost the whole day just to lick through the wrapper."

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest. Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So, the authorities release the drunkard as well. Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!

That blonde wasn,t wrapped too tight. Leave it to an engineer to solve the problem.

Robin, what was the key move in game yesterday?

Bungee Jumping Alice and Frank are bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea. So they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on a square in a small town. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they finish, there's such a crowd they think it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up; she has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine; it was the crowd. What in the world is a pinata?"

Now that was a stretch of the imagination.

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high. Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes. The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps After 2 hours Harry had his turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, this is my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

lol James, it was. Good comeback. LOL on Tom, Dick, and Harry, So sad !

A man went to a specialist to purchase a hearing aid. Prices were offered in a range from $10 to $2,000. The man said,

Thanks Robin.

All the jobs I had until now: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... could not concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just could not hack it; so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just was not suited for it; mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just could not cut it. Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add spice to my life, but I just did not have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I could not cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I was not noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I did not have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory, I tried but I just did not fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I could not live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I was not up to it. So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I was not fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an historian, until I realised there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!