I think the forum has been a bit quiet recently, so I thought it would be a good idea to have a thread devoted to jokes! Tell us your favourite jokes (only clean ones thanks!).

I'll start off with one of my favourites. This works better when you are telling it in real life, so hopefully it works in text form!

Person 1: Knock knock..
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Interupting cow..
Person 2: Interupting co.....
Person 1: MOOO!

This one is my sister's favourite:
What's brown & sticky?
A brown stick!

A lady needed the plumber to come while she was at work. She told him where the key was and instructed him that she had a dog and a parrot. She told him that the dog looked fierce but would not harm him and NO MATTER WHAT...he was NOT to talk to the parrot. When he entered the house, the fierce looking dog lay at the door, but did nothing. As he worked the parrot just chattered and chattered, louder as the time went by. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and he shouted to the parrot to "shut up!"...with that, the parrot said..."Get him Spike!"

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a flounder?

A: One's a scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other's just a fish!

Why do violas look bigger than violins?
because violinist's heads are bigger...

Also,
What's the definition of a string quartet?
1 good violinist, 1 bad violinist, 1 person wishing they could play the violin & 1 person that hates violinists!

An old guy goes to visit his friend who is in a mental hospital. It's a lovely day and the doctors give them permission to go for a walk on the grounds with a nurse following at a discreet distance. A flock of birds is flying over head and what-the-hey?! one poops and hits the mental patient, bullseye on his bald head! The nurse sees what happened and tells the two men she will be right back with some toliet paper and runs into the hospital. The mental patient turns to his friend and says, "And they think I'm crazy? That bird is going to be five miles from here by the time she gets back!"

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on
his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably, that I married you for your money" she replied.

Hey, cut me some slack; i made it up on my own!
Q: Why did the scared boy get eaten?
A: Because he tasted like a chicken!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!

Here's another one of my jokes: (i didn't make this one up!)
"There's a 'lost dog' ad in the newspaper with a picture of a dog with manged fur, one ear missing and only 3 legs. On the bottom of the ad it says 'goes by the name, 'Lucky'."
Laugh out loud!!!!

Vinnie went to his Uncle Sal to get advise on selling his car. Sal asked "How many miles do you have on it." Vinnie replied "Oh about 180,000". Sal says, "You're not going to get very much with that many miles on it. You got to trun back the odometer."
So a couple days later Sal sees Vinnie and asks him how selling his car was going. Vinnie replied,"Oh I'm not selling it anymore. It's only got 30,000 miles on it now."

A friend of mine was in an obsession clinic the other day, there were 3 other women in the room. The Doctor starts with the first women, "you have an obsession with flowers, thats why you called your daughter Rose." The Doc says to the next woman "you have an obsession with money, thats why you named your daughter Penny". The 3rd women gets up in a fluster, grabs her sons hand and says, "C'mon Dick, we're leaving!"

My young son and I went shopping shopping for veggies when he took a bite of a chilli pepper then he yelled, MOM WHY DO THE CALL THEM CHILLYS WHEN THEY ARE HOT ! . True

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He tells such incredible lies!"

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?!"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were aboard. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day...then 2 days...then 3. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the freakin' ship?"

A man got in fight with his wife when she asked what was on TV and he said dust.

One wall to the other ,lets meet at the corner.
That also is an old one,just like this one:
What's black and white and read all over, a Newspaper!

How about this one:
During the custody portion of a divorce case , the Judge asks the child; do youwant to stay with your Dad?
Child : No
Judge: Why Not?
Child : He beats me
Judge: Do you want to stay with your Mum?
Child : No
Judge: Why Not?
Child: She beats me too!
Judge : So who do you want to stay with?
Child: The Indianapolis Colts!
Judge : Why The Indianapolis Colts?
Child: They don't beat Anybody!

Here's a Classic joke from the movie Wonder Boy starring Danny Kaye.
What does the clock say?
Tic-Toc